Underweight Goddess

Yesterday was supposed to be day 1 of my two day fast. It was all good until around 6p.m. when my mom decides she's going to buy me dinner and we're all gonna eat together. There's honestly, not trying to make excuses, but you CAN'T get out of that sort of situation when it comes to my mother. So it didn't work out, that doesn't mean I'm going to stop trying though. I'm pretty determined and so I'll start all over again. OBAMA WON! I'm so glad he won, I've been rooting for him since day 1. He's an awesome dude. But anyway, I'll try the fast again today. And I finally have today alone so I can do a cardio tape or something. My ass needs to get moving because I want more results and I want them quickly. Is it really that much to ask for? No, I didn't think so. The only thing I look forard to in the morning is feeling my stomach, seeing if it's flatter than yesterday and if my hip bones are starting to protrude (which they are!), and then I run to the bathroom so I can pee because when I wake up I'm usually bloated from having to pee, then i examine myself in the mirror. It seems like no matter how much I lose the results are never rewarding enough, I need a miracle to feel better about myself. Listen to the song Sullen Girl by Fiona Apple and that's me in a nutshell. I don't even want to get better, I love living like this but I hate myself. Hopefully, you don't understand where I'm coming from. I need a nap. Hahah its almost nine in the morning, oh well, goodnight!

"I don't care if it hurts, I want to have control. I want a perfect body, I want a perfect soul."

Won't anybody here just let you dissapear?

So I created this blog to keep me busy and on track with my progress. I am anorexic and I am Pro-Ana. It's been a while though since I've been truly committed to Ana. For a long time I was eating regularly and exercising normally with very little thoughts from Ana but I wasn't happy at all. I gained weight and I just hated the way I looked. So here I am, crawling back to her and I couldn't be more happy. It may sound really fucked up, and hell, it probably is. But until you experience it for yourself you just won't know. I'm not saying go out and try to starve yourself, I'm saying for those who are dealing with this, you know what feeling I'm talking about. The feeling of hollowness and emptiness but in such a glorious way. You feel on top of the world and nothing can touch you, it's simply euphoric. I love it. The power to say "no" to food is SO empowering, it really changes your life. But it's definitely not all happy and fun and games. The constant lies and deceit is a lot to deal with. You lose your friends, sometimes your family, because no one trusts you or anything you say. It's a sad reality, but you just have to stay strong and fight through it to achieve what you desire most of all, thin.

I'm home schooled, 15 years old, always in trouble. I like being home schooled a lot better than public because I have all of the day to myself. It's a lot easier to starve without family and friends around you pressuring food on you. It's also a lot easier to watch hundreds on thinspo vids on Youtube, exercise and read tips online without any sort of suspicions. It's almost too easy for me. A regular day for me is waking up, taking a b12, making either coffee or hot chocolate then do a little schoolwork, get some water, do chores, take a walk to the gas station for a Monster Energy Drink(my favorite<3), going to work, coming home and trying to skip dinner. Hang around the house or outside or something. Before bed I do 100 crunches and other little exercises just so I don't feel completely worthless. I usually fall asleep to Radiohead or Death Cab For Cutie.

Today I had 2 pieces of toast for breakfast and a hot chocolate, I'm not gonna have lunch or dinner. I don't deserve it at all. Starting tomorrow I might try a fast, I hate doing them though because the second you eat one little thing it ruins everything. I honestly hate the feeling of feeling full. I don't even really get hungry so much anymore. But when I do, I just think of a few words on inspiration and try to fight the pressure to eat.

"Sick to death of my dependence, fighting food to find transcendence. Fighting to survive. More dead, but more alive. Cigarettes and speed to live, & sleeping pills to feel forgiven. All that you contrive, & all that you're deprived"