i have nothing to do

my arms feel like they're hollow. i just had two pieces of toast that i regret. bleh nothing else until dinner then nothing after that. i am not looking forward to thanksgiving where mounds of mashed potatoes and apple pie will be shoved down my throat. the whole holiday is sickening. i'm not even excited about christmas, which is my favorite holiday. i'm not excited about anything anymore. i used to be a passionate person but that's just not me anymore. wish it was.

Where soul meets body

I'm really bored with my life right now. I'm grounded and my mother changed the password for my facebook so I pretty much have no contact with anyone except through work and AIM(which I hate). Plus I have a cold which I hate because whenever I was sick when I was young all I did was lay in bed and eat soup, but now laying in bed and eating and getting fat just doesn't sound as comforting as it used to. So I'm gonna try and wear myself out with lots of exercise so I can get to sleep early tonight. The easiest way to burn calories is sleeping! Tomorrow is Friday and I have tonsss of school work to do and then I have work. The good thing about work tomorrow is that the guy I like will be there and besides me and him I don't think any other young people are working so it'll be just us! I'm pretty excited about that, I need to just get over my nerves and talk to him. Easier said then done. But I'm gonna try really hard. Hopefully he'll be chillin. I need to go workout but before I do I'll post a little thinspo for you guys/girls.

Much Love & Stay Strong

Fuckkk

I just binged. Oh my God I fucking hate myself. I completely lost control of myself and binged. I'm so ashamed. I can't do anything right and now I'm going to have to pay for it everytime I look into the mirror. I can't even puke it up because my gag reflexes are for shit. I feel so disgusting. I had 3 milano cookies, 27 goldfish, 1 apricot cookie and a cup and a half of buttered noodles. I feel like dying. Ugh, you really don't have any idea. Why can't I just completely avoid food? I want to so bad but it's like my body has a mind of it's own and I can't control it. I need to learn how to control it because right now it feels like I don't have control over anything in my life, absolutely nothing. Ugh I'm gonna go work out and try and burn off some of my mess. I hate myself.

Underweight Goddess

Yesterday was supposed to be day 1 of my two day fast. It was all good until around 6p.m. when my mom decides she's going to buy me dinner and we're all gonna eat together. There's honestly, not trying to make excuses, but you CAN'T get out of that sort of situation when it comes to my mother. So it didn't work out, that doesn't mean I'm going to stop trying though. I'm pretty determined and so I'll start all over again. OBAMA WON! I'm so glad he won, I've been rooting for him since day 1. He's an awesome dude. But anyway, I'll try the fast again today. And I finally have today alone so I can do a cardio tape or something. My ass needs to get moving because I want more results and I want them quickly. Is it really that much to ask for? No, I didn't think so. The only thing I look forard to in the morning is feeling my stomach, seeing if it's flatter than yesterday and if my hip bones are starting to protrude (which they are!), and then I run to the bathroom so I can pee because when I wake up I'm usually bloated from having to pee, then i examine myself in the mirror. It seems like no matter how much I lose the results are never rewarding enough, I need a miracle to feel better about myself. Listen to the song Sullen Girl by Fiona Apple and that's me in a nutshell. I don't even want to get better, I love living like this but I hate myself. Hopefully, you don't understand where I'm coming from. I need a nap. Hahah its almost nine in the morning, oh well, goodnight!

"I don't care if it hurts, I want to have control. I want a perfect body, I want a perfect soul."

I feel so close, and yet I am so far

Today I'm starting my 2 day fast. I would try a 3 day fast but I've never done one before so I just want to test it out. I'm trying new methods and whatnot just to see what my body's limits are. I'm hoping to drop 3 lbs from this one, I'm pretty excited. It's only 9:03 AM and so far I'm on my 2 bottle of water and I had a cup of coffee. I'm going to avoid my precious Monster Energy drinks and just stick to coffee for a while. Bleh I wish I could work out right now but I feel sick and my sister is home, I absolutely hate working out in front of people. It feels like they're constantly judging me and staring at me and thinking there's something wrong. If I was pretty enough I think I'd want to be a model or actress. I work best under pressure and those jobs definitley bring on the pressure. But there is no way in Hell I would ever be pretty enough to do it. But I can say, one day I will be thin enough :D Today when I woke up to make some coffee I saw a plate full of chocolate chip cookies, my sister put them out so I could have a few for breakfast and I just felt so powerful when they were right there in front of me but I chose to have water instead. I didn't even want one. It's not worth it to have a few seconds of guilty pleasure but forever have muffin tops. I'd rather be pretty than happy.
So to get through I like to listen to thinspirtational songs. They honestly really work and keep me on track. So I'll make a list of some great songs to thinspire you little kiddies <3>www.imeem.com

1) Me and Mia - Ted Leo & the Pharmascists
2) World War Me- From First To Last
3) Anorexic Beauty - Pulp
4) Failure by Designer Jeans - From First To Last
5) Skinny - Filter
6) Paper Bag - Fiona Apple
7) Lua- Bright Eyes
8) Creep - Radiohead
9) Anas Song - Silverchair
10) Waltz Moore - From First To Last
11) Binger and Purge- Lunachicks
12) So Rich So Pretty - Mickey Avalon
13) Every Day Is Struggle - Senses Fail
14) Distant Voices - Bush

Hope this list helps you a little. Stay strong skinnies<3

Won't anybody here just let you dissapear?

So I created this blog to keep me busy and on track with my progress. I am anorexic and I am Pro-Ana. It's been a while though since I've been truly committed to Ana. For a long time I was eating regularly and exercising normally with very little thoughts from Ana but I wasn't happy at all. I gained weight and I just hated the way I looked. So here I am, crawling back to her and I couldn't be more happy. It may sound really fucked up, and hell, it probably is. But until you experience it for yourself you just won't know. I'm not saying go out and try to starve yourself, I'm saying for those who are dealing with this, you know what feeling I'm talking about. The feeling of hollowness and emptiness but in such a glorious way. You feel on top of the world and nothing can touch you, it's simply euphoric. I love it. The power to say "no" to food is SO empowering, it really changes your life. But it's definitely not all happy and fun and games. The constant lies and deceit is a lot to deal with. You lose your friends, sometimes your family, because no one trusts you or anything you say. It's a sad reality, but you just have to stay strong and fight through it to achieve what you desire most of all, thin.

I'm home schooled, 15 years old, always in trouble. I like being home schooled a lot better than public because I have all of the day to myself. It's a lot easier to starve without family and friends around you pressuring food on you. It's also a lot easier to watch hundreds on thinspo vids on Youtube, exercise and read tips online without any sort of suspicions. It's almost too easy for me. A regular day for me is waking up, taking a b12, making either coffee or hot chocolate then do a little schoolwork, get some water, do chores, take a walk to the gas station for a Monster Energy Drink(my favorite<3), going to work, coming home and trying to skip dinner. Hang around the house or outside or something. Before bed I do 100 crunches and other little exercises just so I don't feel completely worthless. I usually fall asleep to Radiohead or Death Cab For Cutie.

Today I had 2 pieces of toast for breakfast and a hot chocolate, I'm not gonna have lunch or dinner. I don't deserve it at all. Starting tomorrow I might try a fast, I hate doing them though because the second you eat one little thing it ruins everything. I honestly hate the feeling of feeling full. I don't even really get hungry so much anymore. But when I do, I just think of a few words on inspiration and try to fight the pressure to eat.

"Sick to death of my dependence, fighting food to find transcendence. Fighting to survive. More dead, but more alive. Cigarettes and speed to live, & sleeping pills to feel forgiven. All that you contrive, & all that you're deprived"